I can feel it in my blood as it boils, feel the heat rising in my soul, feel the tight clench of a stomach twisting into knots, and a chest pounding about the explode out of my chest. Here I am, the descendant of Italian blood and my father's daughter. My anger is evident and flares up fast, though not often, and when it does it consumes every thought and feeling. The emotions are raw and the only way to reduce irritation is to just slap on those running shoes, blast those headphones in my ears to a probable unhealthy volume, and run it out until it feels as if the anger seeps out through the sweat.
Anger is a normal and even healthy emotion at times. However, anger can become problematic if it results or leads to increased aggression, outbursts, or even physical alterations. We have all been there...and most likely than not, experienced that one instance of action or statement in which we regretted later. It is important to deal with this quickly escalating emotion in a positive way. Uncontrolled anger can take a toll on both of your health and your relationships with other.
I have gathered the following strategies to consider for management of such a strong emotion. I hope you read these and share your experiences/thoughts as well to what works best for you:
Count Down- Count down from 10 (or up.) If you are really mad, start from 100. In the time you focus on the counting, your heart rate will slow and anger will likely subside.
Take a breath- when we let anger reside in our bodies, our breathing becomes shallower and speeds up. If you are able to reverse that trend, you will be able to take slow and deep breaths.
Exercise! Go for walk, run, ride your bike, hit a few golf balls.
Progressive muscle relaxation-this practice calls for you to tense and slowly relax various muscles in groups of your body, one at at time.
Mentally escape-go somewhere quiet, engage your mind in something that makes you happy or calm, practice visualizing yourself in a relaxing scene.
Music-play some tunes to redirect yourself
STOP talking! - When you are steamed, you are more apt to continue to ramble and say hurtful or more aggressive statements. You're more likely to do more harm than good. Revisit the conversation when you have collected your thoughts.
Take action - Harness that energy and move forward into action on what you can help do to resolve or bring awareness to an issue. Sign a petition, write a note to an official, do something good for someone else. Pour the energy into something productive.
Write in a journal- What you cannot say, perhaps write? Processing it through written word can help you calm down and re-asses the events leading up to your feelings.
Rehearse your response- Prevent an outburst by rehearsing what you are going to say or how you are going to approach the problem in the future with mature dialogue.
Talk to a friend- Don't stew, reach out to a trusted and supportive friend who can possibly provide a new perspective.
Practice gratitude- Take a moment to reflect on what is right when everything feels wrong. Realizing how many good things you have in your life can help you neutralize anger and turn around the situation.
Practice empathy- Try to walk in the other person's shoes and see the situation from their perspective. When you tell the story from their point of view, you may gain a new understanding.
Express the anger- As soon as you are thinking clearly, express your frustration in an assertive but non-confrontational way. State your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them.
Stick with "I" statements- to avoid criticizing or placing blame. For example, "I am upset you left the table without offering to help with the dishes." versus "You never do any housework."
Don't hold a grudge- Perhaps my worst one I need to personally work on. Forgiveness is a powerful tool. If you are able to forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation and strengthen the relationship. If you are unable to reach that point, sometimes just visualizing or imagining the forgiveness may free up some mental space for you.
Use humor- Find something funny to make you laugh to diffuse the tension
Identify possible solutions- work on resolving the issue at hand instead of focusing on what made you mad in the first place. Remind yourself anger will not fix anything and might only make it worse.
Time out - give yourself a short break, even if you are an adult!
Know when to seek professional help.
Overall, emotions are challenging, but why would we want to stop being emotional? It's in our lifeblood. It is what causes us to get up in the morning. Even if it were desirable to get rid of them, that would take the human out of us all. They are part of our system of sensing and responding to the world from a biological standpoint. Music would not move us, loss would not affect us, nothing would bring us to tears, anger would not motivate us. Nothing would make us fall down laughing.
Nevertheless, emotions can wreak havoc and spread pain throughout our lives. Anger is fiery. Even when it is cold, it requires and consumes so much energy from our bodies. When we pay attention to how it feels in our body, we might notice tight fists, clenched jaw, knotty stomach. We may also notice that anger can strongly tint our thoughts and interpretation of reality. We begin to see the world through a lens that depicts our rejecting state of mind. We are sending the negative message to our brains and creating conversation within that feeds the emotion.
Deep within the anger, we may be storing feelings of inadequacy that causes us to see threats and injustices where no real threat exists.
It helps us to uncover and uproot these feelings of deeply held false views. At the same time, anger can uproot wise and powerful protectiveness, such as the presence of a mama bear or a wise judge enforcing justice in the face of racism. Sound familiar with the recent turn of events in the world right now? There is a lot to learn still about what is going on beneath our outbursts and this rich, complex emotion will always be around for our whole lives. However, if you can healthily navigate and find strategies that work for you, I wish you the strength and time required to arrive to peace at the end of your days.